


BAU Party

by goobzoop



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Format, Birthday Party, F/F, Humor, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:02:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goobzoop/pseuds/goobzoop
Summary: The team surprises Reid in his apartment on his birthday. All hell breaks loose.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	BAU Party

Garcia: c’mon guys hurry up 

Prentiss: we’re coming, chill out 

Morgan: baby girl why are you running Reid is at a conference for an hour

Garcia: bc I’m so EXCITED. Hotch open the door

Hotch: why me

Garcia: bc I know u made copies of everyones keys so just do it 

Hotch: [takes out secret key ring] fine 

JJ: Hotch I think that’s illegal 

Prentiss: shhh let him work 

Garcia: oh my god it’s like a library in here

Prentiss: What a fucking nerd

Morgan: lol u said it not me 

Rossi: Idk it has a certain ambiance. Also I live in a mansion 

Hotch: dont brag Rossi the rest of us are poor living on govt. wages

Rossi: [pretends he doesn't hear]

Garcia: guys I put up all the decorations except for the HBD sign I need some tape 

JJ: Garcia, you just threw everything all around the room

Morgan: uhh yeah sexy baby woman it looks like an explosion

Garcia: a GLITTER explosion! FUN!

JJ: I think Reid will like it. The glitter is in all his old books

Hotch: Glitter is easy to clean so this is fine

Garcia: Chocolate God will u find me some tape I’m still waiting 

Morgan: yea mama let me check the bedroom everyone keeps tape in the bedroom

Prentiss: its a universal truth that tape is in the bedroom. I will come with you to help look

JJ: me too because I follow Emily everywhere

Rossi: hey the kid has food in the fridge. I thought he ate air 

Hotch: lol he looks like it. Fucking Twink [internal groaning]

Garcia: wooahh what the magical dwarfs is this 

Morgan: what? let me see it cutie poo 

Rossi: [cooking lasagna in the kitchen] What’a is it?

Hotch: Rossi stop cooking! 

Rossi: No’a can’a do

Morgan: holy shit fuck

Prentiss: sometimes talking my language! What’s going on oh my GOD [vomits into mouth]

JJ: is that my dildo

Prentiss: yeah that’s def your dildo I was wondering where that went

JJ: oh wait no- 

Morgan: it’s monogrammed

Hotch: w-wha- um. what does it say. 

Garcia: guys it says ‘Reid’s big fat fuck cock’ 

Hotch: [falls onto floor] im okay this is okay

Prentiss: [drinking mouthwash] ummm guys... look at this [standing in front of sex dungeon closet]

Sex dungeon closet: [visible sparkles and ethereal light coming out]

Team: wowowwwwwwww.....

Morgan: he’s got like... one for every color of the rainbow

JJ: I dont even think I could go this big [holding a giant dildo in two hands]

Prentiss: its true she can fit both my fists in her

Garcia: ummm TMI

Hotch: [holding a stack of pictures] mother of god....

Morgan: what, boss man? 

Hotch: it’s reid... he... oh god... 

Morgan: he’s totally kissing up on people. wow I didn't know the kid had game 

Hotch: maybe they're photoshopped?? GARCIA. Scan them with your computer eyes

Garcia: [laser beam eyes] nope they're legit 

Hotch: fuck 

JJ: wait guys there’s more stuff for hotch to freak out about. wait--- why did I say that? I meant there’s more freaky reid stuff over here look

Rossi: [still cooking lasagna]

JJ: it’s sex tapes! Let’s invade his privacy and watch them on the big screen

Morgan: reid’s tv is fucking ancient this sucks 

Garcia: its okay I brought my 55″ plasma it’s in the back of my Beetle let me go get it. I love tech 

Hotch: finally someone with forward thinking 

Garcia: guys im back and I have the TV give me the sex tape

JJ: [throws it across room and Garcia does a back flip and catches it]

Morgan: holy shit that was so sporty im hard

Garcia: Sports are stupid

Morgan: never mind im flaccid again

Prentiss: everyone shut up it’s starting

Hotch: wait. 

team: what?

Hotch: we need snacks. 

Rossi: [walking into room with pan of lasagna] it’s’a me, Papa’getti

JJ: Papagetti!!!!!

Rossi: what?

Morgan: jump!!!

Rossi: why?

JJ: just do it!!!

Rossi: [jumps] diiiinggg

Rossi: oh’a shit’a a’guys I didn’t even’a see that’a coin

Hotch: no prob bro we got your back. But sit down and hand over the fucking lasagna were trying to watch Reid’s sex tape

Morgan: yeah what he said 

Prentiss: [shoveling lasagna into her mouth with her bare hands] mmmmm

JJ: stop prentiss that’s making me horny 

Prentiss: who gives a fuck Reid’s sex tape is about to make u hornier

JJ: reid is my best friend prentiss. who would be so stupid as to think we would ever have a romantic relationship? Our friendship is based off platonic love and support as well as the fact that I am happily married with a child. A last minute romantic plot line would be a cheap gimmick and ruin the character I have built over the last ten years, as well as invalidate our friendship and the dynamic of the team. How can reid rely on me as a friend going forward knowing that I made an advance on him. How could you be so stupid?

Prentiss: lol someone press play JJ is freaking me out

Garcia: here we goooo [ruins remote with tomato sauce fingers]

[sex tape]

reid: ohh fucckkk oh god im horny and gay 

OC: oh oh oh oh reid oh my god 

reid: give it to me fuck my little ass im so tight and young and hot

OC: its so weird that you made me wear a suit and dye my hair black but this sex is so hot its totally worth it hhnnnngggggg

reid: shut the fork up and stick to the lines I gave u 

Prentiss in the audience: wow reid is OCD even in bed lol 

JJ in the audience: yeah I thought he'd be cool and confident turns out his atypical behavior applies to all aspects of his life even when it isn't convenient 

OC: sorry hnnngggg [pounding Reid’s butt] wheels up in 30 

ried: ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff. now rip my bra off do it 

OC: its a really pretty bra though. it looks expensive 

Reid: ughhh god damnit it 

Hotch in the audience: [muttering] oh fuck I would so rip it off

Morgan in the audience: [choking on lasagna]

Rossi in the audience: [counting his coins]

reid: fuck fuck im gonna cum hit my prostate its really easy 

OC: is this it

reid: yes u got it on the first try with no effort good job fuck im cumming I wish you were my boss

[sex tape ends]

Hotch in the audience: guys did he just-

Garcia: my hearing blew out five mins ago from horniness

JJ: [masturbating]

Morgan: did u guys hear that? 

Prentiss: what?

[door opens]

Reid: ummmm what the heck are-

[awkward staring]

Rossi: ...it’s’a your birthday a’party!

Team: SUPRISE!!!!!!!!

Hotch: suprise..... [sweating]

Prentiss: we found ur dildo and butt plug collection lol 

JJ: [cumming] hhhnnnnn ur sex tape was hot

Reid: Hotch... uhh... I can explain. 

Hotch: pls do

Reid: wait.. what the heck.. 

Hotch: what 

Ried: ur ... umm.. ur holding my [coughs] my..

Hotch: oh your collar? yeah it says WHORE on it. I was meaning to ask u. does it say that because you're a whore?

Reid: sadly yes I am a huge forking whore. look at all my sex tapes. there are over 100 of them. I catalog them bc I have OCD

Hotch: I did see them. I even watched one and got hard from it. you truly are a huge whore. congratulations reid im proud of you 

Reid: thanks, hotch you’re like a father to me 

Hotch: maybe I can help u put this on?

Reid: be careful I might cum in my pants if u get too close 

Hotch: ill be careful [kocks full force into him and pins him on the ground]

Reid: oh fork- oh god- oh no no no [pants tenting] hurry up and lock it on

Hotch: [slips collar around neck and locks it] god so pink and pretty 

Prentiss: hotch since u collared him that means he is your whore now

Hotch: is this true?

Reid: yes it is [cums] ooohhhhhhh hotch

Garcia: [googling it] yes 

Hotch: fuckkkkkkk yes. [sticks hand in Reids pants and licks his cum] mmm tastes so slutty 

Reid: fuck me hotch please

Hotch: I make the decision u whore now spread your thighs 

Reid: yes sir [pants are somehow off and ass is lubed]

Hotch: mmmm what a tight hole [pressing cock in]

Reid: wait!!!!

Hotch: ???

Reid: Garcia set up my video camera

JJ: oooh!! great idea

Prentiss: can I be in this porn too? 

Hotch and reid: NO!!!!!

Hotch: [violently fucking reid so fast that prentiss doesn't have time to get into the view of the camera]

reid: oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh daddy oh oh oh oh 

hotch: thats it baby take my huge fucking cock god im SO BIG. 

reid: I've never fucked a cock this big!!!!

Morgan: jesus fucking christ its huge im going to be sick [vomits into lasagna pan]

Rossi: What the fuck?!?!?!

Hotch: HnnnnnUNNNHHHHHHGGG im CUMMING

Reid: yess!!!!!! ohhh Jesus its like a tsunami of cum!!! 

Hotch: Jesus christ use words I can understand reid this is sex not a spelling bee!

Reid: sorry [cries] so much cum!!! [cums three more times while sobbing] daddy please

Hotch: what whore baby tell daddy 

Reid: pls fuck me again this this is the best birthday ever

Prentiss: my birthday is next week

JJ: no it’s not

Hotch: [transcends to another plane of existence]


End file.
